Want to be break dancing, not breaking down

So today wasn't the best day for me. My mental health overall during this whole process has been really great. Today, not so much.

I seem to forget that I had surgery just over 2 weeks ago. Major surgery. Not just a little cut I can put a band-aid on, but serious surgery that requires this amazing thing called HEALING.

I had these great plans that I would be back to work next week, totally off pain medication, running marathons, baking brownies (because I do that so often?) and many other crazy ideas in my head. My body on the other hand has totally different ideas. I am having a hard time reaching up to the shelf to grab a coffee mug. I cringe when I see my adorable baby boy running to give me a hug because I am quickly trying to figure out how to cover my very sore upper body so as not to get hurt. Sleeping hurts. Lifting things hurts. Washing my hair hurts(which would explain the week long ponytail I have been sporting). Sometimes just walking hurts. I know that I am healing well, that's what the doctors tell me. And I know that because I am in shape, that healing will come faster and easier. But i need to get it through this apparently very thick skull of mine that I STILL NEED TO HEAL.

So after a great conversation with my boss (me sobbing, her being wonderful), I am taking next week off to heal rather then trying to go back to work. I will put my oh-so-sweet baby boy in daycare everyday and lay on the couch or the bed and try to will this stubborn, thick skull of mine to chill out.

Love this

Rough Night

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.
That pretty much describes my last night. I don't know what it was but last night was actually one of my worst evenings of pain I have had yet. Now I did have my stitches removed. And the surgeon did this moving my implant thing around to see how they are settling. And I have been working on coming off my pain medicine. So perhaps the combination of the three wasn't made for a good nights sleep.

I have been asked the question "what is next?" for me. Definite healing for a couple more weeks, months and applying my very pricy scar reduction medicine to help me feel beautiful. The plastic surgeon mentioned yesterday that in 2-3 months we can start talking about nipple reconstruction. Today the thought of another surgery makes me want to punch him, however maybe in a couple months I will be less likely for that violence.

After all that, I live. And laugh. And God willing have another baby. And I run my half marathon (ha ha) that I will be training for. There will come the time after a baby that I will have to re-address my BRCA status and talk about removing my ovaries due to the increase in Ovarian Cancer . According to the OBGYN, that surgery is nothing compared to a mastectomy with reconstruction. And the people that I have talked to tell me that a week after it they were out doing their thing again.

But by far the coolest thing that I will be doing next is NOT worrying about breast cancer.

For now, I am going to take a full pain pill ( maybe I will try my half of one again tomorrow) and do that thing that is so hard for me to do....rest!!

Just a girl

So earlier post stated I did it and it was not so bad. Very true. But still managed to have my mini-girly melt down tonight about how I looked. I'm over it now and will sign off with a sign that the secretary at the plastic surgeons office had :

I did it!!

Stitches out, bandages off. And it's not so horrible after all!

Stitches

My stitches come out today. The medical tape will come off and for the first time I will see how I am going to look. Vanity has kicked in. I slept horribly. I am nervous. What if I am ugly? What if my husband doesnt find me attractive? I know that my ultimate goal of a much longer, healthier life FAR outweighs any kind of scarring that may be there, but today, I'm just going to be a nervous girl.

You live and learn

I keep forgetting this whole "healing from the inside" thing. I start to look at my self and I think I am looking pretty good, so I start picking things up (like my 25lb baby) and then at 3:00am I wake up and want to die. So I am back to square one of sitting on the couch, reading, watching Sex in the City ( up to season 3!)

I had two doctor visits this week. The plastic surgeon said everything looks great and the breast surgeon said the same thing, which is probably where I got my false assumption that I could do everything like normal again. Oops. So for anyone considering this type of surgery, one of my biggest words or wisdom, is rest. And then rest some more. And even a little more.

Perhaps the greatest part of both my doctor's appointments this week, even more so then them telling me how great my results looked, was the little piece of paper that stated this:

NO CANCER!!!!! I know I had already been told on the phone, but to have that sheet of paper in my hands and to see those words "negative for malignancy" was one of the greatest moments of my life.

So I am still living and learning about what it means to relax and heal and all that jazz. Buy the one thing I do know, is that my newly formed lady parts are cancer free.

Happy dance time!! (and I did, in the Starbucks, in Panera for lunch, in the car while riding, in the grocery store....)

A beautiful day!!

It poured rain ALL day. But today was a beautiful day. First of all, my drains came out and as much as I had dreaded that process, it was a piece of cake that took about 2 minutes. Second, my surgeon called and my pathology report came back and he reported to me that there there were NO PRE CANCEROUS ANYTHINGS to be found! None. Nada. Not a one. Zip. Zilch.

So as I look at the window at the rain pouring down, I think to myself, "what an absolutely beautiful day."

Scars

As much as I had been dreading the drains, they actually haven't been that horrible. My husband empties them three timed a day and records the "stuff" that has been collected inside. I think that I have been lucky in that there really hasn't been that much "stuff".

That being said, I won't miss them one little bit when they come out tomorrow. I have heard the actual process hurts as the surgeon basically just grabs them and pulls them out. So that part shouldn't be exciting. I am a little nervous tomorrow also because my surgical tape will be coming off which will show me for the first time where my scars will be and how they will look. I know over time, they will fade, but that initial look is a little scary to think about. A woman told me recently that her scars are her badges of courage. What a great way to think about them. Badges of courage, of a choice I made to keep myself around.

  I invite people to check out a website that I found once called The Scar Project  
http://www.thescarproject.org/

Beautiful women with beautiful scars leading beautiful lives. Nothing better!

Five days post op

I am now on day five post op from my surgery. So far so good! I am staying on top of the pain with my pain meds, having a Sex In The City marathon, and eating delish food provided by the most wonderful friends in the world. I have my follow up appointments on Wednesday with the plastic surgeon to get my drains removed and with the breast surgeon to check on my healing.

A huge thank you to my youngest sister for coming up and rolling around on the floor with my baby since I am not able to!

Overall, things haven't been too bad. Definite soreness. Limited mobility. But now that the surgery is over, my anxiety level is way down. The only thing I am really anxious about now is getting my pathology report back from the dr. That report will tell me if there were any pre-cancerous findings or abnormalities. I am praying for nothing but clear results!

So now, as I sit surrounded by beautiful bouquets of flowers and get well cards, I will go sip on some coffee and catch up on Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha!

I survived!

I am now 12 hours post surgery. I am very, very sore. But, it's done! I survived!
I don't remember much from when I entered the OR due to some fabulous medicine they gave me. When I woke up I wasn't really sure what I would be thinking. Of course my first thought was "ouch!!" but there was also a giant sense of relief. The anxiety building up these past couple days was ridiculous.

I have looked at the results a little. Not too much yet since there is lots of bandaging, but so far I am thrilled with the results! Doing the one step process straight to implant was definitely the right choice for me. Coming out of surgery and still looking like a woman helped with the self esteem doubts I was having.

I will post more later, but for now, those amazing medicines are kicking in and I am crashing !

Nesting

I remember when I was pregnant and everyone told me that I would "nest" before the baby got here. Meaning I would clean and organize and get everything ready. Well my pre-baby had nothing on my pre-surgery nesting! I think it has been my brains way of staying in denial and self preservation today, but my toilets are so clean you could probably lick them.

Now, however, the cleaning is done and it is almost time for me to pop an Ambien in hopes of actually sleeping. My head hurts, my stomach hurts, I feel like throwing up and crying all at the same time. I'm a little of a mess. A loved mess though. I can't thank my friends and family for the outpouring of support and encouragement I have received over the past few days! It has helped tremendously and I know that I am truly blessed to have each and every one of you in my life. You are all so very amazing and loved as well.

11 hours and counting.