Vanity

As a female it has been ingrained in me from a very early age that beauty is hugely important. Open any magazine (and I open a lot!) and one is instantly swept away with images of beauty. Beautiful ladies. Beautiful hair. Beautiful clothes. Beautiful bodies. You don't see many models without their breasts that's for sure.

I would be lying if I said that it doesn't bother me to think about removing mine. And how my body is going to look afterwards. I think about my (extremely supportive) husband and how he didn't sign up for this when we married. I worry that he will find me unattractive. I worry about how I will look in clothing. Or a swimsuit. What will my scars be like.

I do plan on having reconstruction immediately after the surgery. There are several options. I won't know which one will work best for my body frame until after I talk to the surgeons on the 21st of this month. There is a single step procedure which involves removing the breast tissue and then inserting an implant underneath the chest muscles. And then there is a slightly longer procedure where they remove the breast tissue and insert expanders. Every so often I would have saline injected into the expander stretching the skin. Once the desired size is chosen, they preform what is called an exchange surgery where they remove the expander and insert the implant. I don't know the pros and cons yet of these, but I am thinking that I would like the single step. I am hoping that it would mean for a quicker recovery, a quicker time period of not being able to hold my sweet baby, a quicker time period to start feeling like an attractive woman again.

I have spent many hours pouring over other peoples blogs. I have spent hours looking at their pictures of before, during, and after. Sometimes I feel like it's all going to be okay. Their scarring isn't THAT bad. Their breasts look pretty normal. And then there is the time when my vanity kicks in and I want to vomit. What am I thinking?! I have healthy breasts! Why do I want to mutilate my body?! And then I look up and see my baby using his new skill of wobbling/walking towards me with his big semi-toothless grin. And then I see my husband doing a ridiculous dance in the kitchen to make me smile. And then I get a card from one my many sweet friends saying " hello, you are on my mind." And I think, Oh yeah. Screw vanity. I want to live.