33 years young

So I am less then a week away from my surgery. Feeling a little anxious.

I did have a very amazing week this week though that I would like to share. I celebrated my 33rd birthday, Happy Birthday to me! My coworkers surprised me with the most amazing cake ever. I included a picture above :)

I also got to have lunch with two unbelievable ladies. They are sisters. One of the sisters was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer at the begining of this year. Due to this diagnosis, she was genetically tested and they found her to be BRCA positive. Her sister decided to get tested after this and was also found to be BRCA positive. So her sister made the same decision I did and had a PBM with immediate reconstruction in Febuary of this year. Five weeks later, she was out running again and recently ran a marathon!!

Talk about a HUGE source of encouragement! Talking to these ladies was just amazing. Hearing from someone who had had the exact same surgery I am about to have was so calming for me. Hearing that this was merely a bump in the road for a couple of weeks before she was out and about living her life is helping me to focus on the fact that in a couple of weeks I will be out and about living MY life. Only without the contant stress of thinking "when am I going to get cancer."

One of the most stunning parts of the whole lunch was a comment made by the sister who is fighting cancer. She stated that she was glad that she had been diagnosed with cancer. Glad?!?! All I could think was how could anyone be glad? But she went on to say that it was due to the fact that she was diagnosed that her sister was able to proactively prevent breast cancer. And that her children and her children's children would have the chance now to break that cycle of not knowing and go on to prevent this type of cancer. And I thought, this means that MY children will be able to test for the gene and save themselves from this horrible disease. What an amazing outlook to have. This woman is unbelievable. Truely a hero.

So now I am waiting for next Thursday. Anxiously? Yes. Excited? Hmmm, I wouldn't go that far. But I am ready for this to be over so I can move on and focus on bigger and better things.

Oh, and in case anyone is interested, the cake was delicious!

Crocodile Tears

This week marked the first week of separation anxiety with my son. Dropping him off at daycare has become a heart wrenching experience. His lower lip starts quivering and then these huge crocodile tears start falling! It's a horrible feeling to walk away from that sweet little boy as he cries for his mommy.

I think I am feeling some separation anxiety as well. I am anxious about removing my breasts. It's not that I feel particularly attached to them, except for the fact that they are attached to me! But it's the thought of removing pieces of my body. And wondering (and REALLY hoping) that I will still look okay afterwards.

I am still 100% certain that this surgery is the right thing to do for me. There is no second guessing. Just a little sadness. A sadness that has caused a couple of my own crocodile tears to fall this week.

Humor

A sweet friend of mine found this picture and sent it to me in hopes of bringing a smile to my face. Well sweet friend, my face is still smiling :)

Girl Power

When my mom passed away from breast cancer many years ago, I was only 16. It's a hard age anyways, but to have the person taken from me that is supposed to be there for me in the years to come as my role model, encourager, cheer leader,and inspiration was devastating. But a wonderful thing happened in this loss. An abundance of amazing women were placed into my life. It's almost like God knew that I would need some extra love and support and I have been absolutely blessed by the moms, friends, sisters, and family members who have taken me under their wings, guided me, supported me, and overall loved me.

And it has never been more clear then now just how amazing these women are. I am getting daily reminders from these phenomenal ladies about how much I am loved and supported. I am being told stories of their struggles with issues that are similar to mine that have never been told. Whether in the form of a letter or a phone call or text or message on Facebook,  these contacts from these women have been helping me stay positive in a situation that I have often felt not-so-positive about.

So this post is a huge THANK YOU to all of the ladies in my life. Young or old, related or not, you are all cherished by me and I can only hope to one day repay the kindness and love that you are all showing me.

There is nothing like some girl power to brighten up your day/week/month/life!

(there are some pretty great men in my life too...so not to leave you out...thank you!! )

One month and three days

One month and three days till my surgery...but who's counting? Hmmm, guess I am.

I am really glad that  I waited until January to schedule my surgery. They offered an earlier date, but with the holidays I decided to wait.

Upsides to waiting:  I am enjoying party planning for my baby's first birthday party! We have been decorating for Christmas and shopping and wrapping and doing things that require a lot of energy, which I know I won't have for a couple weeks following the surgery. We will be doing a little traveling to see some family. And basically just overall enjoying the holiday season.

Downsides to waiting: I have begun to feel like a walking ball of cancer again. I guess this would be some positive reinforcement to my choice to have the surgery as just upping my screening would most likely have me in a continuous state of stress. I spent 2 days last week on the verge of tears for really no reason other then I felt scared. Scared about the surgery itself, scared about the pain afterward, scared about unknowns.  Part of me feels like a month and three days will never get here, and then the other part of me feels like it is no time at all.

Today two things happened to help me with some of my fear though. I received an unexpected card from someone telling me that they thought what I was doing was brave and exactly what they would do if they were in my shoes. And I received an unexpected phone message from someone else offering me encouragement. Both of these people came from people that I do not  talk to often, so it was a very fantastic reminder that I am loved by many.

So one month and three days to go....or rather one month and two and a half days now...but who's counting?

January 5th 2012

Well I have my official PBM surgery date...January 5th 2012.

My visits with the surgeons were surprisingly great. I felt extremely comfortable with both doctors. The plastic surgeon, Dr. S, was very confident that due to my good health, being in shape, and young (ish) age, that I would have really good results with the reconstruction. I am also glad to announce that I am a good candidate for the one step-straight to implant  procedure which I am hoping will mean a quicker recovery time. It also means I won't have to have several trips to the plastic surgeons for fills nor a second surgery to place the implant. Very excited about that!  I have chosen to have silicon implants rather then saline. Dr. S talked about the pros and cons and I decided I wanted the silicon for the more natural look and feel. I actually got to hold one and feel it. It is odd. Squishy. I will not be doing the nipple sparing mastectomy, but rather am choosing to have those removed as well. They are breast tissue and even though the risk would be low in keeping them, I figure if I am going to make the decision to do this surgery to reduce my risk as much as possible, then those suckers have to go! Besides, the plastis surgeon said he could make me some great ones, better then mine now :) Gotta find the pluses!


The breast surgeon, Dr. B, was also very encouraging about everything. He feels confident that he will be able to remove enough tissue to change my percentage of getting breast cancer from 90% to possibly below 1%. UNBELIEVABLE.

After a morning of feeling sick and anxious, I finished out the day feeling encouraged and even more confident about my decision.

So today when the scheduling nurse called to tell me that my pre-op day will be Jan. 3rd and my surgery day will be Jan 5th, I didn't feel scared. I felt like I was making a huge positive step into enjoying many pumpkin spice lattes from Starbucks, drinking martini's with my husband for anniversary's to come, planning future vacations with my family and friends, toasting champagne at weddings...my son's. I am making a huge positive step for eveything in my future.

And to think, all along these wonderful future adventures, I will have great looking, perky "foobs" (fake boobs)! Pluses are everywhere, just gotta look.

To the surgeon's I go

I have this horrible habit of not sleeping before stressful events. So on top of being stressed about these two appointments, I have been battling an ear infection and sinus infection and have not slept well all weekend. I am exhausted and nervous.

I am trying to stay focused and positive about the knowledge that I am going to hear today from two gifted doctors. 

But the only things that I am able to stay  focused on, are that today I might have a date for the surgery. And I continue to be scared.

So I am going to make a giant cup of warm, steamy coffee. I am going to put on my big girl panties. And I am going to do my best to un-invite myself to this pity party I have attended this morning.

Hmmm, maybe I will make that two giant cups of coffee.